GRANDMA GOES TO YANKEE

I hope everybody’s week is flourishing and going smoothly. Thank you guyz for all the comments, I’m humble and remain loyal and also a special thanks to YNB (yankeenaijababe) for the welcoming newbie post (that is blogbite like me).. I wish I could give everybody a hug.. you guyz can have the cookie on the blog table; cabin biscuit, nasco, long life, choco milo, ribena, goldpot, mirinda, limca…. The choose is your choice, no fighting o.

I just got off the phone with my grandma (paternal). We talked about random stuff; school, job, weather, boys( she has hooked me up with almost all her friend’s grandchildren. I guess she has given up on me because she barely talk about them anymore), … we just talked sha. I know you guyz are wondering why I am talking about my grandma now. Well she left yankee recently and I wanted to share the story of her trip…

Her journey from naija to London was cool(she was travelling with my dad), no problems or immigration wahala, you know how niaja be now, once there is money there is a way. She carried enough naija assortments; yam, egusi, ogbono, cray fish, snail… just name it (even gala sef). For some strange reason she decided to put the yam in her hand luggage (don’t ask me why). Anyhow that was how they got to America; my grandma was so excited she has never seen so many whites in one place. Usually once you say you are from Nigeria and you bring all them goodies, the immigration in yankee must stop you. They took my dad and grandma to one of their office:

Dad: Mama no worry I go take care of this no just say anything you hear

Grandma: if dem ask me question I go talk now

Immigration officer(I.O): Can I see your passports and tell me what is inside that bag

Dad: Here you go( gives him the passports). It is just some things my mum bought for my sista from home.

Grandma: wetin im talk about my bag, I count everything there if anything miss eh

Dad: Mama im no talk to you now

I.O: who is the woman with you, I want her to sign in that paper

Dad: she is my mum. She is an illiterate, so she can’t really read or write

Grandma: who is illiterate, you dey craze abi you chop craze, na your papa be illiterate. I don told you dat I stopping in class two. look at the small boy is cursing me ( me sef no understand the English too)

Dad: mama I dey tell you make u keep quiet u no go hear o. they go send us back to naija

Grandma: I’m flabbergast( she picked those words from home video or something), amazing grace how sweet the sound, how can…. ..

the I.O was confused, he taught my dad was being dishonest; how can you tell me your mum is an illiterate when she speaks so good English( tell me how that English good now). By this time my grandma was grinning from ear to ear. My dad somehow resolved the crisis and explained further to I.O that my grandma was only putting a show to impress them. Anyway I.O opened my grandma’s hand luggage and saw two tuber of yams, he took it out of the bag and smelled it( I no no how the thing suppose smell before ). My grandma on seeing this, took the yam from his hand, I.O took it from her hand, she took it back, he took it from her hand again. That was how my grandma removed the wrapper from her waist and tied it on her head( she was ready for the man…).

Grandma: how I go take money buy yam for my pikin(beats her hand on her chest) na this oyinbo rabbit dey put am for im nose. Na either I kill am or im kill me

Dad: mama you wan kill yourself because of yam abi. Okay I go buy you yam

Grandma: no oo I want my own yam wey I take my own money buy

I think the other I.Os had the commotion because they came over and gave my grandma’s case to an African I.O, thankfully the guy settled the matter in peace and gave my grandma her yam back. My dad was so stressed that day( no be small thing dem go through)

The 5th day in yankee my grandma starts complaining that she wants to eat oyinbo food and she insist she must order for herself.. my dad took her to McDonalds. They got inside the fast food outlet

Dad: mama wetin you wan chop, u no say u no understand this thing make I order for you

Grandma: no worry I know wetin I want.

Grandma: waiter give me that bread and fry yam

Server: you say what now

Grandma: I say I want fry yam and bread… she turns to my dad, abi this boy no dey hear word no be fry yam and bread I dey see there

Dad: mama dem dey call am another thing here( he didn’t want to laff at my grandma, so he just held himself)

Grandma: abeg give me the fry yam and bread now ahh ahh which kind person be this , then she points to the item she wants.

Server boy: ohh u mean burger and frys

Grandma: na u know I don tell u wetin I want

They sha ordered and left the place. That was how they went to several places and my grandma being stubborn as she is, made things complicated for everybody( my grandma is a sweet heart, but sometimes she can be soooo stubborn). At the end of the day she hated yankee, she wanted to go back to naija. After much fussing, she left for naija the second week with a family friend( she was suppose to stay for 2 months)

I said my paternal grandma because my maternal grandma( my grandmama for my mama side) is educated and that woman like to blow grammar anyhow chei, so my paternal grandma has a little beef with her( don’t ask me why). She is always like BSNC this your grandmama no wan hear oo. She too dey make shakara, person never see before sef. E go dey do like say e no dey shit. Meanwhile my maternal grandma has nothing, but respect for that woman. They know how to sort themselves out. My maternal grandma is coming to yankee for the first time soon, we ll see how that plays out…..

I got my first pay check today(don’t ask me how much ). I should be happy rite…. Wrong. It goes like this I had a little disagreement with my mum and I told her I ll start paying all my bills by myself out of vexation (me and my big mouth), so right now I have bills to pay, I have to send money home as par first salary( one kind family tradition). Plus I had Nightrider(my car) checked up and he needs major surgery (repairs) , I don’t know why he is doing this to me. I have planned for this pay check before. I just have to swallow my pride with a tall glass of water and talk to my mum. After all the bills and stuff I have to pay for, I’m left with $30.59 ( wetin I wan use that one do now) that is excluding nightrider own. This pride must go down my throat by force.

Wish u guyz a lovely week ahead